I'm a little put out to realize that Lifting Fog’s televisual efforts are so far concentrated solely on The CW. Last week, DJ Steve brought you a quickie dissertation on the reasons we watch Gossip Girl; today our focus is 90210, a remake/update of a show that made Han Solo vests and floral leggings a popular fashion choice in the early 90’s. Forgetting the fact that we already watch too much television to begin with, it's important to note that both these shows are targeted primarily to adolescent girls. We’re clearly spending our post-collegiate days wisely.
Jerry: "What kind of lives are these? We're like children. We're not men." George: "No we're not. We're not men."
But cut us some slack, yeah? With the Big Three (NBC, ABC and CBS) leaving the premieres of their best shows until the end of September (at least), there's a dearth of prime time programming and thus the perfect opportunity for teen dramas to really sparkle. Who can't get behind a good love triangle? An awesomely predictable "I'm addicted to dangerous-looking pills" plot line? Without Liz Lemon and Barney Stinson, anyway, there's really no choice but to embrace a bunch of horny teens. And we sure have! In an unplanned cross-coastal exercise, LA-based DJ Steve has tackled the Upper East Side; I'm now responsible for your driving tour of Beverly Hills.
Appropriately, I guess, the first episode opens with a driving scene: a decidedly midwestern-looking minivan navigating the streets of our titular zip code, bopping along to the dramatic sound of Coldplay's 'Viva La Vida." Needless to say I nearly tuned out right here. A few minutes later we've met the Wilson family - hot mom, dorky dad, cherubic daughter, black son - and their matriarch, Tabitha... who is actually Lucille Bluth, only with less incisive verbal jabs.
Many of the show's elements, in fact, feel like lesser versions of those on more accomplished series. The dialogue strives for OC pop-cultural relevance but reads as lazy name-dropping. Rapid-fire editing works on more realistic shows like Friday Night Lights, but makes for some confusing scenes here. And sets seem stolen from Saved By The Bell, a show I hoped never to describe as "accomplished." You made me do it, 90210. Happy?
I wasn't really old enough during the original's heyday to appreciate its "edginess," but I remember hearing all about it from friends' siblings or drunk babysitters. From teen pregnancy to teen graduation rights, the show covered a wide range of topical and controversial issues. Since hardly anything they could tackle today would really be considered shocking (we're living in a post-Nipplegate world, people!), 90210's producers opt instead for a few nonsensical WTF moments. Take this saucy exchange between Debbie Wilson (Lori Laughlin) and one of her husband's old flames:
Stacey: "Harry, why don't you drive me home?" Debbie: "Better yet, I'LL drive you home and we could swap stories about Harry's penis!"
It's sort of shocking, yeah, for the fact that Becky Donaldson-Katsopolis would have never said anything like that to Michelle or DJ (maybe Stephanie) on Full House, but it rings more weird than anything else. Ditto the scene where Head Bitch In Charge Naomi tells someone to "clean out his vagina." Or Evan's pre-homeroom BJ. Yeah, the show's kind of hung up on genitalia.
But it's never dangerous. For a show allegedly concerned with the corrupting influence of upper-crust SoCal society, the stakes are surprisingly low. Our hero, Annie Wilson, has her midwestern background mocked with jokes about cows and overalls. SO MEAN! A frenemy creates a mildly annoying flash video. WHY, GOD? There's a flash of a moment where Annie seems legitimately flustered, possibly angry... but all her problems are quickly solved and her unwavering moral compass reaffirmed. Then everyone decides to dance in the ocean. If the characters didn't spend half their time smiling and laughing at each other's jokes, they might actually risk doing something dramatic.
Then again, I could be misreading the whole intention of 90210. Undercooked dialogue. Characters who act without regard to story. Scenes that end abruptly or without explanation. You know what? 90210 might be less a mediocre teen drama... than one of the best avant-garde television programs ever made. Not bad, but purposefully bad - designed to test the patience of its target audience like a community theater production of "Waiting for Godot." Masochistic in the BEST way.
... So yes, I'll be watching next week. Who's coming with?