Barfoed Does America: The Beginning

Usually I'd start one of these things with a meandering, "epic" opening that inches into the rest of the post deliberately (like it's a mink bathrobe or cold pool), going on and on about some seemingly unrelated topic. I'd try your patience and commitment with my purple prose. I'd throw in a lot of words I only sort of understand ("homogenous"; "zeitgeist"). I'd definitely invoke the rule of threes, prodigiously. But we DON'T HAVE THAT LUXURY THIS TIME. Why?

I'm on the road, guys(!), embarking on a forever-talked-about-but-never-acted-on expedition to the West Coast of America. Once there, I'll be reconnecting for real with Lifting Fog's DJ Steve and beginning the relatively easy process of winning an Oscar, Emmy, or People's Choice Award. (Diablo Cody stripped; I tutored.) It's finally time to embrace my destiny, which is to share my terrible writing with as many unsuspecting people as possible. Who else is psyched?

Rather than e-mail tales of my time on the Great American Highway or Tweet and crash off a cliff (or into a fireworks outlet store, which seems more likely), I figured I would utilize Lifting Fog -- the "greatest blog ever committed to the Internet [Mid-Atlantic region, humor/child psychology]," according to Philadelphia Magazine -- as a story repository and communications center. Road thoughts. Photos. Deep conversation excerpts. Etc. If you already subscribe to the This American Life podcast, STOP -- we will be your source for self-satisfied Americana these next two weeks.

"This is stupid." - Jack Kerouac