Gag Me
I'm making a promise right now that my next post will not judge, criticize, or malign any of my fellow human beings. Maybe I'll write about unicorns or Tom Hanks or something else impossible not to like. Or link to LOLCats. I'm pushing for positivity, I swear.
But that's tomorrow. When you're slapped in the face with something so pretentious, so mired in self-importance, it's imperative that a retaliatory strike be made immediately and with utmost prejudice. I shouldn't be reading the Columbia Spectator anymore, I know. It's masochistic. But like a roadside wreck, sometimes you just can't look away. Want to see the fiery mess? Read "A Film Buff's Guide To The 1 Train," specifically those sections written by Dan D'Addario, then join me in a therapeutic retch-fest.
I would hope that anyone reading the article is able to see through the purple prose and empty eloquence and recognize it as the condescending, indulgent tripe it truly is. For those of you who skimmed, though, or for anyone with glass-half-full sensibilities, I offer analysis on my favorite passages below.
The Lincoln Plaza Cinemas are what we talk about when we talk about the Upper West Side. That is to say, the theater is a parallel universe, or a portal into the mind of Roz Chast. After one buys a ticket from a charming streetfront ticket booth (just one of the Lincoln Plaza’s small, anachronistic pleasures, but caveat emptor—cash only!), it seems fitting that one has to descend a staircase.
Roz Chast is a cartoonist for the New Yorker. Did you know that? Because I did! Sigh - nothing screams undergraduate arrogance more than NYC literary shout-outs. This is an "A" piece at Harvard-Westlake, for sure, but beyond those gates... Who's your audience, pal? How does that reference augment your writing? Couple name-dropping with the word "charming" and expressions like "caveat emptor" and you're hitting dangerously high levels of doucheitude.
Those who attend this Times Square palace [AMC Empire 25] are not cineastes—they’re fans. That unsophisticated embrace of cinema high and low can be frustrating to those who would rather watch a film in silence.
Making distinctions between classes of movie-goer is lame and insulting. Anyone going to the movies is a fan, regardless of "knowledge" or "expertise." Does it really take a degree from Columbia to properly dissect a movie (or film, or "audiovisual explosion")? EVERYONE has seen 300 movies by their 18th birthday and is as equipped as any blazer-wearing "cineaste" to enjoy or discuss a wide variety of films. And the root of his problem here - the sanctity of silence - is already exaggerated. Did that guy whispering to his girlfriend ruin the movie for you? God forbid someone's quiet chuckle disrupt your latest Lars Von Trier screening.
The snack bar serves popcorn, but there are pastries under glass. This writer recommends the peppermint tea.
... There are no words.
BONUS: Synonyms for pretentious include affected, ostentatious, showy, pompous, artificial, inflated, grandiose, and grandiloquent. Arm yourselves for battle!