'American Housewife': The COVID Season That Never Was
Show's canceled so I swear this isn't a legal issue
Friends, family, lovers, h8rs: it’s been a minute, and so much has happened. You’ll hear about it all in due time1 but for now, one month out of Substacking shape, I figured we could start up again in the most aerobically friendly way possible: regurgitating old material!
Actually, strike that — the material is only old to me in the sense it’s something I wrote a year ago and then forgot about. It’ll be wholly new to YOU, who 1) does not live in my brain (thank god!) and 2) might enjoy one last foray into the lives of the Otto family of Westport, Connecticut, aka the subject of the recently canceled ABC sitcom ‘American Housewife’.
I wrote for ‘Housewife’ these past two seasons; I’ve worked on it in one capacity or another since the pilot, back in 2016. Five whole years! Unless we’re counting competitive swimming — which why would we — this is the longest gig I’ve ever had, and will likely ever have. (Even if continued unemployment eventually forces me back into the arms of Barnes & Noble, those are non-consecutive tours and therefore don’t count.) It genuinely feels like the end of a long-term, loving-but-complicated relationship that I will need the better part of this year, and maybe a trip to Sedona, to really understand. I am, to put this in therapy terms, processing.
But that’s another post entirely. Today I thought it might be fun for those of you who watched and enjoyed ‘Housewife’ (and probably no one else!) to read some abandoned pitches for a COVID-centric season five.
Some sitcoms, ‘Superstore’ and ‘The Conners’ among them, tackled the realities of our pandemic year head-on, with PPE and social distancing and, you know, death woven directly into their plot lines. We opted out at ‘Housewife’, continuing to tell stories as though COVID never struck the world of Westport. While I disagreed with this direction at the time, I can understand its merits now — some shows, comedies especially, just aren’t built to go there. And escapism isn’t a dirty word; sometimes it’s an emotional necessity. No one needs the episode where Cooper Bradford’s butler gets hooked up to a ventilator!
Still… none of this stopped me from taking to Apple Notes last spring and roughing out four parallel dimension episodes of our dearly departed show. So get those MF-ing hands in the air, House-hive, it’s time for
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#501: “School’s Out For… Ever”
Katie Otto finds out that everyone in Westport is being asked to “stop the spread” by staying at home, and she’s THRILLED. She hates going outside, and people, and interacting with those people. Now she can do what she does best -- watch stuff -- and she gets called a hero for it. Then she finds out schools are shut down (Katie, “What’s that now?”) and she and Greg will have to HOME-SCHOOL their kids. Greg, a college professor, is beyond excited to teach the kids; Katie wants to down a bottle of Drano and die.
(Taylor insists that she doesn’t need homeschooling because, well, she’s too old. Taylor, “I’m eighteen, Mom! Soon I’m gonna be nineteen.” Katie, “Well kid, in this house you are just quarantine. (Calls off) Did you guys hear that?! I just did a clever wordplay!” No one answers. Katie, “I guess that one’s just for me.”)
Somehow Katie, with her ability to simplify shit and her “cool teacher” vibe, becomes the kids’ preferred instructor while Greg flounders — getting lost in the esoteric weeds (he tries to teach the kids not just math, but the history of math) or coming down too hard (Taylor keeps asking for “extensions,” which he refuses to grant her.) Katie loves that she’s better at something than Greg, who gets very defensive. After all he’s devoted a sizable chunk of his professional life to this vocation! Greg, “Katie, you can’t just waltz in here, draw a few graphs that don’t even make sense, and call yourself a teacher.” Katie, “Sure I can. It’s easy.” By the way, Katie says, she’s going to need one of Greg’s professor sports coats, with the elbow patches and everything. Greg, “It’s a 44L, it won’t fit you.” Katie, “I think it will.” Katie starts wearing glasses with no lenses to really drive the point home.
After the kids bomb their respective online tests, Katie turns to Greg for his teaching expertise and, together, they rally the kids through some extra project that gets them into passing range. Katie and Greg agree to a “stay in your lane” approach from now on when it comes to their respective skillsets.
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#502: “My Mother, The Teenager”
Katie keeps ignoring her mother Kathryn on Zoom. When they do connect, Kathryn refuses to acknowledge that, at her age, she’s in an at-risk group. Katie, “Mom, you need to face it, you are AT-RISK.” Kathryn, “Oh, Katie, the only thing I’m at risk of is being too hot for my own good.” Kathryn tells Katie that she feels so little at risk, she’s going to Fort Myers, Florida to enjoy Spring Break with a bunch of 20-somethings. Whatever, mom. Katie intermittently takes Zooms from her mom (one of which is from a Señor Frog’s in Ft. Myers), hating her more and more. But then Kathryn reveals she tested positive for COVID. Katie is beside herself. Yes, her mom’s an idiot, but Katie has taken her for granted for all these years, even actively ignored her…and now she might die.
Katie goes to see her. Kathryn reveals that she was faking to get Katie’s attention (and Señor Frog’s was a fake Zoom background) -- she just wanted to *talk to her daughter*. Katie is miffed, until Kathryn points out that Katie has used SEVERAL pandemics as excuses before. She claimed to have both swine flu *and* SARS! Turns out Katie and mother are both liars, both react to crises the same way, and could both use a good hug, or maybe a take-away Electric Blueberry daiquiri from Señor Frog’s.
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#503: “Save Stewart & Kingston’s”
Katie loses her mind when she finds out that her arch-nemesis, Chloe Brown Mueller (CBM) has set up a GoFundMe to save her ailing vanity store, “Perfection.” For starters, she has a ton of money! Katie, “If anything, it should be a GoFundYou, for me!” Greg, “I see what you’re trying, grammatically, but it’s confusing.” Katie continues: pandemic or not, when a Westport business goes under it’s because the universe wanted it that way. Who are we to mess with the designs of the universe?? Immediately after, Katie learns that her beloved Second Breakfast spot, Stewart & Kingston’s, is also in danger of going under. All that stuff she said about the universe is stupid; she’s going to fight with every fiber of her being to keep S&K alive.
It turns out activism is super-hard work! You’ve got to reach out to people (gross), make impassioned speeches (kill me), and dedicate a sizable chunk of your time to something that isn’t watching ‘Below Deck: Med’ (sacrilegious). Katie tries to get uber-rich Doris to donate just, like, a microscopic percentage of her vast fortune to S&K, but Doris says she’d rather go the non-money route to save it. Doris, “Eh, I need a project.” Katie is forced to team up with some of her worst Westport enemies — including CBM — for support. Through the combination of CBM’s wide social reach and Katie’s genius contact-less lasagna-in-a-jar delivery service, they raise enough money to save S&K. When Katie discovers that CBM has sneakily included “Perfection” as a fundraising beneficiary, she threatens to blow the whole thing up. CBM explains that this is just politics, baby! Sometimes you have to go against your code a little to get what you want — what the town needs. CBM, “And this town needs…perfection.” Cue Katie face.
In the Tag, Katie wonders what will happen if the pandemic goes on forever, or there’s another financial crisis in the future that threatens S&K. Greg assures her she has nothing to worry about. He had the Historical Guild step in and give S&K historical landmark status, ensuring its existence forever and ever. Greg, “The guys and I just needed a project.” Everybody just needs a project right now!
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#504: “Katie Otto Was Here”
Self-quarantine is finally lifted, however many weeks or months after it started. Katie says thank GOD, it was really starting to feel like prison in here. All of the Ottos are prepared to *step into the sunlight* but…they can’t find Taylor. AK very calmly tells them she’s probably at Trip’s. When Greg asks her to explain, Anna-Kat says Taylor has been going over there a bunch. And Trip has been here. Katie realizes that, with Taylor having broken quarantine, they probably need to self-isolate for another fourteen days. Ugh.
Now the house REALLY feels like prison, with everyone else in Westport back to work, living their lives as usual while the Ottos remain stuck inside. Oliver starts trying to tunnel through his room (hiding the hole with a shirtless poster of Snapchat founder Evan Spiegel), Greg has increasingly sad Zooms with the Historical Guild guys. Finally, the fourteen days are up…but Katie says she can’t taste or smell anything. Uh-oh. Greg says they better self-quarantine for another fourteen days.
Westport Unified has a big benefit concert coming up — a Hall & Oates reunion, spearheaded by Principal Ablin (who played second keytar on the Big Bam Boom! tour in ’84 and is still friendly with Oates, even if Hall hates him2) — that everyone really wants to go to, but can’t because of the Otto Quarantine. Oh well.
At dinner one night, Katie comments on how great the food is and Greg realizes that if Katie can taste, and smell… she must be making up her symptoms. He confronts her later, and Katie quickly crumbles. Katie, “Fine! I admit it, Greg, Quarantine has been the best time of my life!” Was it hard in spots? Sure. But it’s also the first time in *forever* that all of her kids were in one place and couldn’t go anywhere. Katie, “I know I complain about them all the time, it’s one of my favorite things, like Oprah... but in here, I got to freeze time. Out in stupid Westport it just keeps *moving* and… Greg, did you ever see ‘The Shawshank Redemption’?” Greg shakes his head. Katie, “You not watching movies is really beginning to strain our marriage, man, keep up. Anyway, there’s this old guy Brooks, his best friend is a crow, it’s hilarious. He finally gets out after decades in prison. But he can’t keep up. He wasn’t ready to leave the clink, Greg! And I don’t think I am, either.” Greg tells her time marches ever on, sure, but she’s tough enough to weather it. She’s the toughest person he knows. Katie softens. Can they go to the concert now that they know everyone is totally fine? Katie says yes, but the kids can never know she intentionally kept them inside. Greg, “Of course. If it helps, we can go to the concert in these.” Greg holds up two makeshift haz-mat suits. Katie swoons.
Later, the family is ready to head out to the concert. Katie says she’ll meet them at the car, and stays behind a beat to carve something into a wood beam in Greg’s office ala Red in Shawshank: “Katie Otto was here.”
END OF QUARANTINE ARC
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at the rate I write, within a year
some nice assists in here from fellow ‘Housewife’ alum Nick Roth, who is either a big Hall & Oates fan or just a vigorous researcher