Those of you guys who know me â 80-90% of you? Welcome to anyone who walked in off the street! â know that, when Iâm not writing Lifting Fog and/or complaining about things1, Iâve got other writing irons in the fire. More often than not thatâs script-writing, like the movie âSleigh Queenâ or TV pilot âFloat Onâ, whose professional futures hinge on someone with $$$ feeling as strongly about them as I do! But it also includes more random shit, like penning a biography for this guy:
Thatâs Bailey, an anthropomorphic lion whoâs been the mascot of the LA Kings since 2007. Last summer, a Kings employee friend roped me into a cool assignment: re-branding Bailey for the new hockey season. Bailey was hardly an unpopular character (were YOU named ESPNâs #1 NHL mascot two seasons in a row?) and had even recently undergone facial reconstructive surgery, which of course is the most LA thing a human or mascot can do.
But I think the explosive popularity of someone/thing like Gritty, the wild nâ crazy Philadelphia Flyers mascot whoâs like a giant Cheeto dipped in ketamine, had lit a fire under their ass to, well, get their own Gritty. Bigger. Louder. More LA. Enter yours truly, for some reason!
Now I think Iâm pretty good at character work, whether itâs a rich dramatic character like Rhonda Civic (âSleigh Queenâ) or Dash Falkenstein (âFloat Onâ) or the âHenningâs Snack Attackâ series I occasionally post to Instagram, where I play a character who also happens to be named Henning. Iâve even written from the POV of a mascot before, sort of, when I pretended to interview a guy playing Cookie Monster in Times Square:
So I felt more than up to the task of re-writing a Bailey âbioâ that would live on the LA Kings website, and maybe find its way into ancillary copy. Like a lion writer, I hunted down a herd of story possibilities. Tore into their meat. And eventually pooped them into what I thought were four rich areas that also took into account how each could be performed, along with possible branding partnerships (youâll see).
âŚBut of course I am able to share all this with you today because the Los Angeles Kings organization did NOT go for these pitches, ultimately deciding to keep Baileyâs whole deal as is. Re-reading my submissions now, they were probably right to come to this conclusion!
Bailey the Aging 80s Fitness Icon đŚđ§đźââď¸
Forty years ago, the world learned to get fit at home. And no one was bigger than Bailey, whose "Bend with Bailey" line of exercise videos catapulted him to fame the likes of which no lion outside of maybe Simba or Aslan has ever experienced. But trends die, people forget you, and suddenly you're living in the Deep Valley2 with a garage-full of unsold VHS tapes and a beat-up Yugo that might at best get you halfway to Oil Can Harry's. Your best days are behind you, and your behindâs not looking all that great, either.
But reinvention is always possible. In Summer 2007, after catching a matinee of the first 'Transformers' movie, Bailey spotted a wanted ad: âLA Kings seek mascot.â He'd avoided this kind of work forever but figured why not -- I can learn to skate. While never feeling quite as graceful on the ice as on an aerobic step platform, Bailey has found his second act and a whole new audience, even if he has to take a lot more Aleveâ˘ď¸Â than he did back during the first Reagan administration.
Bailey the LA Zoo Lion Who Wanted More đŚđď¸
In every Pride, there's one lion who⌠doesn't quite fit in. Bailey could never explain his ennui. They were all well-treated at the LA Zoo -- fresh meat at every meal, swimming time, an endless array of tourists to shower them with attention. But Bailey couldn't help but think there was something outside, maybe just beyond, that would scratch the itch he'd had since he was a cub. Maybe what he really wanted was to be human? So, like Steve McQueen, he made his great escape.
At first: abject terror. Bailey suddenly understood why some of his pride liked the confines of the zoo, where everything was knowable. By contrast, Los Angeles was big on a scale Bailey couldn't even comprehend. He thought that, out of his (very nice!) cage, he'd be able to run freely. But in LA you really just need a car.
Slowly but surely, Bailey acclimated to life on the outside. He leased a Toyota Priusâ˘ď¸ from that one NoHo dealership with all the mannequins, took surf lessons at El Porto. He'd occasionally hit Palm Springs, which reminded him of the Serengeti, but with more bears. Eventually he settled in DTLA, a place he feels is misunderstood -- just like him -- and where he could embrace his most un-lion-like interest: watching professional hockey.
His enthusiasm for the sport was infectious, regularly landing him on the Kings fan cam. At a certain point it just made sense to make the team's unofficial mascot its official one, and Bailey's been doing his thing ever since. Since its inception, LA is a city where people have come to reinvent themselves. Bailey's just another seeker in the City of Angels, trying to embrace his idiosyncrasies and make an unlikely home for himself.
Bailey the MGM Lion Nepo Baby đŚđŹ
EDITORâS NOTE: This was the one I would have gone with
Bailey's father3 was the original MGM Lion, a true Hollywood icon who has loomed large for over a century. That's a lot to live up to, especially when everyone is constantly comparing you to your parent. That roar's a little thin, no? Not how the old man would have done it. You've got presence but you don't have it, you know? Maybe talent skips a generation...
Leonard (Bailey's birth name) grew up in the bosom of Hollywood, attending Hollywood High with Laurence Fishburne and Sarah Jessica Parker before an overdose on catnip had his mom send him to Crossroads4 for more hands-on schooling. Like any good second-generation actor kid, Leonard tried his hand at the family business. But all it amounted to was a guest spot on 'Married... with Children' (in an episode where they go to the zoo) and a call-back for Simba, in 'The Lion King'. Obviously Leonard did not get the part.
Eager to put some distance between himself and all the beautiful pain of Hollywood, Leonard changed his name to Bailey and got a 9-5 job: ticket relations for The LA Kings. Good, honest work that kept him connected to entertainment in the abstract but nowhere near the heart of the beast. Was Bailey jealous of the Kings' old mascot, a snow leopard named Kingston? Sure. Kingston could barely sing or dance, and struggled to memorize his lines. But there were tickets to sell, and dreams to be forgotten.
That is, until Kingston sustained a career-ending injury (that Bailey had NOTHING TO DO WITH!!) and, noting Bailey's superhuman ability to sell tickets, the president of the LA Kings suggested he try out for the open position. Bailey got the gig, and started performing for the first time since 1994. Old rhythms returned, and some new tricks too -- a propensity for lip-syncing famous sports movie quotes among them. You havenât really heard Kurt Russellâs monologue from âMiracleâ until youâve heard it out of the mouth of a skating lion with Meisner training. The roar of the crowd was mesmerizing to Bailey. Itâs like they say: you can take the lion out of Hollywood but you can't take the Hollywood out of the Lion...
Bailey the Foodie đŚđą
In the mid-19th century, hopeful speculators made their way West in droves, compelled by the promise of gold in them tharâ hills. In the mid-20th century, it was the siren song of Hollywood. Now, as we near the middle of the 21st century, it's some combination of those two previous boom-and-bust phenomenons, remixed for our current times: the social media influencer. And no one wants to make it bigger than Bailey, an apex carnivore turned foodie TikToker.
Prior to his LA migration, Bailey was an Anthony Bourdain-worshiping journalist based in New York (Hell's Kitchen, specifically), trying to make a name for himself as a Village Voice restaurant critic. Born in Copenhagen, Denmark -- one of less than ten lions in a country famously inhospitable to desert climates -- Bailey was raised to appreciate wintertime activities and Michelin star dining. But as journalism work dried up and Bourdain himself skipped into the great beyond (RIP), Bailey started to panic: was there room in the world for an ice-skating lion with the most refined palate in the animal kingdom?
Three things happened in rapid succession:
LA became a food lover's Mecca, finally matching its forever rival, New York
Bailey started messing around on Insta, then TikTok, and gaining a rabid following for his no-holds barred food reviews
The LA Kings were looking for a new mascot. It was as if Bourdain himself (and to an equal extent, Jonathan Gold) were smiling down on him, telling him what to do
Today, Bailey skates + tastes + posts, sometimes all at the same time. Crypto.com arena has some amazing dining options that Bailey loves to share with people and of course there's a million options in the greater LA region. Bailey has even been known to dabble in vegetarian cuisine of late, something he never thought he'd do chain-smoking at Rudy's on 9th. But the work of a skating lion food influencer never ends!
frequently the same thing!
Non-LA residents, weâre talking about the San Fernando Valley, formerly longtime home of pornography (see: âBoogie Nightsâ) and setting for the 1992 Brendan Fraser-starring âEncino Manâ
**OR MOTHER**, guys, itâs Womenâs History Month
hi, Nick